Ever since I was little, I have always possessed a strong and stubborn personality. I could say no when I needed to, and even a bit too much lol. But when I started high school, I kinda lost myself in trying to fit in. I realized that I couldn't really stand up for myself anymore, and when I did, it caused problems in my relationships. Throughout the years, I have questioned if the issue lies with me. Turns out, I, like many others, had trouble setting boundaries. So, I decided to work on improving this aspect of my life, and the book «Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No to Take Control of Your Life» by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend really helped me out. Since then, I have learned and continue to learn how to define my boundaries more clearly and express them more peacefully, while also respecting the boundaries of others. Today, I will provide you with a summary of the main concepts from this book, and I hope they will be beneficial to you, just as they were for me. Thank you for being here. It is always wonderful to have you.
How do we define -boundaries?
Boundaries are anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else or show where you begin and end. In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs, walls, and hedges are all physical boundaries. In their differing appearances, they give the same message: this is where my property begins. Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to. In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out.
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.” — Henry Cloud.
Boundary problems.
- Compliants: Saying Yes to the Bad.
This type of boundary is called compliance. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they melt into the demands and needs of other people. They can't stand alone, distinct from other people who want something from them. Compliants are chameleons. After a while, it's hard to distinguish them from their environment.
- Avoidants: Saying No to the Good.
This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It's the inability to ask for help, to recognize one's own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others. They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to replace the lost energy. Compliants avoidants suffer from what is called 'reversed boundaries.' They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they shouldn't have them.
- Controllers: Not respecting other's boundaries.
This boundary problem is called control. Controllers can't respect other's limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control them. Controllers believe the old jokes about training top salespeople, 'no' means maybe, and 'maybe' means yes. Controllers come in two types;
Aggressive controllers: Aggressive controllers live in a world of yes. There's no place for someone else's no.
Manipulative controllers: Less honest than aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages.
Note that compliants and avoidants can also be controllers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive. Controllers are undisciplined people. They have little ability to curb their impulses or desires. Delaying gratification is difficult for them. That's why they hate the word 'no' from others.
- Nonresponsives: Not hearing the Needs of others
Termed 'nonresponsive' because of their lack of attention to the responsibilities of love. Non-responsive fall into one of two groups:
Those with a critical spirit towards others' needs: They hate being incomplete in themselves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others.
Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs, that they exclude others (a form of narcissism).
What happens when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive person? Well, they get married! Compliants avoidants search for someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them out of touch with their own needs. While controlling nonresponsives search for someone to keep them away from responsibility. And who better than a compliant avoidant?
10 Laws of Boundaries.
1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping: The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. The Scripture calls it the Law of Sowing and Reaping. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing also to do the reaping.
2. The Law of Responsibility: The Law of responsibility includes loving others. However, problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can't feel your feelings for you. I can't think for you. I can't behave for you. I can't work through the disappointment that limits bring to you. In short, I can't grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can't grow for me. You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself.
3. The Law of Power: We have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people). More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. One more thing, you need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not.
4. The Law of Respect: We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours. If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom.
5. The Law of Motivation: We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. If you are not setting boundaries, what is the emotion behind it? Is it other people's anger, your fear of abandonment, your desire for approval, payback, or over-identification of loss? Knowing the emotion and motivation behind will help support and enforce your boundaries.
6. The Law of Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. Knowing the difference between hurtful and helpful can help with effective boundaries. As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow.
7. The Law of Proactivity: We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs, not on what we hate, don't like, and stand against. Mother Teresa said it well:
“I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I would never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I will be there.”
8. The Law of Envy: We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries on what others have. If we are focusing on what other people have accomplished or have in their lives, we are neglecting our own responsibilities. This can leave people with weak boundaries feeling empty and unfulfilled. Taking action is the way out.
“I do not care so much what I am to others, as I care what I am to myself.” — Michel de Montaigne
9. The Law of Activity: We need to take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive. Developing assertiveness and taking action around increasing this emotional intelligence facet supports creating boundaries with courage. Passivity never pays off. God will match our efforts, but he will never do our work for us.
10. The Law of Exposure: The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in the relationship.
Common boundaries Myths.
Myth 1—If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish: Indeed, appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed boundaries are the most caring people on Earth.
Myth 2—Boundaries are a sign of disobedience: Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for the wrong reasons. But having a no helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives.
Myth 3—If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others: God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it. But can do no less. We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Plus, boundaries are a 'litmus test' for the quality of our relationship.
“If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you're bending the truth.”
Avoid being a chronic people pleaser, but boundaries should always come after bonding. It isn't wise to immediately alienate yourself from everyone important to you.
Myth 4—If I set boundaries, I will hurt others: The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don't control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time.
Myth 5—Boundaries mean that I am angry: It's no secret that quite often when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an 'angry' cloud follows them around the while. Friends will make comments like: 'You're not the nice, loving person I used to know.' The hold saying 'Don't get mad. Just get even' isn't accurate. It's far better to say, 'Don't get mad. Set a limit.'
Myth 6—When others set boundaries, it injures me: Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is totally indispensable. It's crucial to develop several deep, significant relationships. This allows those in our lives to feel free to say no to us without guilt because we have somewhere else to go.
Myth 7—Boundaries cause feelings of guilt: One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is your feelings of obligation. The idea is that because we have received something; we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money or time—or anything that causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift. What do we owe those who are kind to us, and who have genuinely cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our grateful hearts, we should go out and help others.
Myth 8—Boundaries are permanent and I'm afraid of burning my bridges: It's important to understand that your no is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They don't own you. If you set limits with someone, and she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safer place.
(+) Boundaries and the Digital Age
The digital age has changed everything. It’s no longer just getting up, going to work, coming home, and spending time with family. Now, anybody can get to you anywhere on the planet, at any time of day, 24/7, sun up, sun down, moon up, moon down. The time to set some digital boundaries is NOW! Setting digital boundaries is an important idea because we need great relationships in real life to keep us energized. The more face time you have with the people that are important to you (like someone you’re dating, your spouse, your kids, grandkids, or your great friends) the better the relationship will be. Making time to connect with these people in real life, instead of digitally, will help foster strong relationships.
Developing healthy boundaries:
Reflect on the reasons for your boundaries: When it comes to introducing and setting boundaries, it's important to know why they matter to you and how they'll help you feel better emotionally.
Start with a few boundaries: If you don't have a lot of boundaries already, the idea of adding more might feel like a lot, so just take it slow and gradually establish them.
Consider setting boundaries early on: By establishing clear boundaries and expectations right from the start, everyone knows where they stand, and it helps reduce hurt, confusion, and frustration.
Try to be consistent with your boundaries: Letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion and encourage new expectations and demands among those around you. Try keeping things consistent and steady.
Carve out time for yourself: Think about taking some time for yourself on the weekends, maybe an hour or two.
Don’t be afraid to include extra boundaries
Set healthy boundaries on social media: These platforms let you communicate more than ever, but they've also blurred some boundaries.
Communicate when your boundaries are crossed: In the world of boundaries, it's super important to communicate, especially if someone keeps crossing yours. But don't worry, you don't have to get all confrontational when you talk about it.
Practice self-love and engage in activities you enjoy: For boundaries to have a strong foundation, you need to show yourself a bit of love. Remember the golden rule of self-care: Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
Gain some perspective on your boundaries: Not having boundaries can be detrimental to our mental health, but going too far and overthinking them can also impact our emotional well-being.
(+) Recognizing the boundaries of others: In addition to setting your own boundaries, it’s important to appreciate those of others, too — even if they’re different from your own.
Dear reader, I hope you find the courage to set effective boundaries and the wisdom to respect the boundaries of others. I also hope that you find people who accept and love you for who you are, and not who they want you to be. Because as the author said:
“The saddest people on Earth are those who end their days with no relationships in which they are truly known and truly loved.”
And I want my reader to live and happy and fulfilled life. Thank you for your time. I hope you appreciate the work. The length of this post is a bit longer than what I typically share, but I couldn't resist including all of this valuable information. However, if you are interested in knowing more about how boundaries are developed and also boundaries conflicts, I warmly encourage you to purchase the book. May you be blessed. Take care.
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Great read