People can be boring, uh? I agree. Sometimes all you want is to put everybody out of your life. And live a free, stressless life. Here comes «How to Die Alone» from the stand-up comedian and cartoonist Mo Welch. Didn't Jean-Paul Sartre say that:
“Hell is other people.”
In the following lines, you will discover five (5) steps to successfully live and die -alone. Enjoy!
Step 1: Become an Anti-Social Hermit
Hermit Tip #1: If you're uncertain about going out, just say no
Hermit Tip #2: You don't need to have a life if you follow people online who have one.
Hermit Tip #3: Stare out the window with a blank expression on your face until your neighbors finally label you "that weird cat lady." Well deserved.
Hermit Tip #4: Feel free to plan events. Just don't invite anyone to them.
Step 2: Earn the worst friend award.
Worst Friend Tip #1: If you get bored while talking to a childhood friend, just bring up an old resentment from high school. You'll fight for hours!
Worst Friend Tip #2: If you're out of food and money, raid your rich friend's fridge. If they catch you, say you "miss hanging with them."
Worst Friend Tip #3: If you have to go to a brunch, do not sit in the middle of the booth. People will talk past you and it will be annoying. Grab an end seat so you can run away to the bathroom whenever you want.
Worst Friend Tip #4: Give your cat a human name so when you say you can't go out because you already have plans with Joan, your friends assume you've met someone cooler than them.
Step 3: Get an F at your job.
Bad Employee Tip #1: Pie charts aren't as delicious as they sound, but they are a good way to communicate your job dissatisfaction to your boring coworkers.
Bad Employee Tip #2: Do not engage with your coworkers. Your cubicle plant is the only friend you need.
Bad Employee Tip #3: Look for another job while at your current job. That way, it's like you're getting paid to plan your escape.
5 excuses to use when calling in "sick" to work:
I'm sick (of showing up).
I'm dehydrated
I ran out of toilet paper, so I'm stuck on the toilet.
I have nothing to wear. Seriously. I haven't done laundry in months.
Carsick.
Step 4: Wreck your health
Step 5: Avoid romance like the plague.
Love Cynic Tip #1: Show photos of your pet to your date. If they seem weirded out, throw your drink in their face.
Love Cynic Tip #2: Watch rom-coms ironically. Loudly say things like "Ha! Nobody's that genuine!" and "Give that marriage three years. He's clearly in love with his best friend."
Love Cynic Tip #3: Don't date online or offline.
Everybody will depart one day. It might be now, tomorrow, or in many years. Dying alone is the norm, I think. But dying lonely is something different. I believed that even though we can get bored by people sometimes, as Maya Angelou said:
“No one can make it out here alone.”
Taking a step back is okay, withdrawing yourself for a time is okay. But don't deprive yourself of the love some are willing to give you. Don't deprive yourself of the beauty of love, true friendship, and life. Just find the good equilibrium between your inner peace and the world out. For me, this book is to take at the second degree. At least, that's how I read it. I laughed a lot, by the way. Thank you for reading. May God bless you, take care.
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