I recently read a book named «Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking» by Susan Cain. I purchased this book, 'cos I considered myself a relatively quiet person, and it's true that "we" often ask ourselves if we're -normal-, especially when we grow up among extraverts or when we're surrounded by people who don't actually understand the way we think and act. Therefore, I was looking for answers and I really enjoyed reading this book 'cause it helps me have a better understanding of was it is exactly to be an introvert, and how to embrace and be proud of this character in a world where extroversion became a 'cultural ideal'. In this post, I'm going to review this book for you and share with you what I've learned.
First, we must clarify the term 'introvert' itself. Before reading this book, I heard many assumptions about introversion, like :
Introverts are shy, they lack self-confidence;
Introverts don't like people; they are antisocial;
Introverts don't like to go out in public;
Introverts don't know how to relax and have fun;
Introverts can become extroverts;
Introverts cannot make outstanding leaders.
I heard that so much that it was a time I convinced myself that maybe it was true. I thought I must be antisocial. But I was a bit confused because, at the same time, I also enjoy being around people, going out, and making new friends. It is just that generally after that I feel drained, and I need to stay a while by myself to recharge. I once found myself explaining to a 'friend' the way I'm functioning, and he answered me: 'And you believe this is a life?'. -Ouch-. It hurt! But fortunately, I've discovered that yes! THIS (too) is a life and all the assumptions I used to believe were not true. Indeed, as Susan Cain said :
“Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.”
Note that they can be shy introverts and introverts who are not shy at all. Not every introvert is shy, but most of shy people turn out to be introverts.
“Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating. Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not.” -Susan Cain.
One question I also asked myself was: Do we born introverts or is it something we develop as we grow up and that we can -get rid- of it? As the myth 5 said, many people misbelieve introverts can become extroverts. This is false and many experiments such as Jerome Kagan's experiment, have proved that introverts are born this way. Kagan and his team exposed a group of 4-month-olds babies to a set of new experiences including hearing tape-recorded voices and balloons popping, seeing colorful mobile dance before their eyes, and inhaling the scent of alcohol. At the end of the experiment, the psychologists were able to classify the kids into three groups regarding their reactions to the new stimuli. The ones who were crying and who were the most agitated were called "high-reactive" (20%); the ones who stayed relatively quiet and who do not move too much were the "low-reactive", and the remaining 40% fell between the two extremes. Kagan then meet those children when they grew up for follow-up testing and many of the children turned out exactly as he expected. Indeed, Kagan found that the "high-reactive" were most likely to develop serious and careful personalities while the "low-reactive" were more likely to become relaxed and confident types. In other words, high and low reactivity were corresponding to what we commonly describe as introversion and extroversion.
angingTherefore, we can see introverts as high-sensitive (see Elaine Aron's work) or high-reactive people. And thus understand why they tend to easily get overstimulated than the extroverts, not only by the surrounding people, but also by the environments. If you ever meet an introvert, you probably noticed that most of them liked to do the same thing, going to the same place and h out with the same people. This is because they can be very sensitive to new situations in general and can easily get overwhelmed. And the more they get overwhelmed, the more downtime they need to recharge.
Note that there are about 8 different types of introverts: INTP; INF; ISFP; ISTP ; INTJ; INF; ISFJ; ISTJ. See details.
The communication gap:
Since extroverts usually say things out, and introverts prefer to speak in their mind, misunderstandings can easily arise. During the conflict, extroverts may misbelieve that if introverts don't speak it is because they have nothing to say, or because they are disrespectful. The truth is that introverts tend to avoid conflict and they too misbelieve that if they don't speak it will probably stop the quarrel. Bust most of the time it gets worse.
In romantic relationships, as in many areas of life, opposites can often attract each other. So what if you're an introvert and your loved one is an extrovert? Vice versa. Well, there is only one solution: You must both adapt to the temperament of each other. If you're an extrovert, don't see your partner as being antisocial but instead consider that you two are -differently socials. And respect their need for intimacy. If you're an introvert, you must also try your best to speak out what is in your mind, because if you don't speak then there is a lower chance for your partner to understand what's really going on. Try also to understand your partner's great appetite for social contact and try making compromises too. Find a rhythm of outings and/or participation in social events that is neither too little nor too much and that suits you both. It requires patience, communication, and compassion. And as Carl Jung said :
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
(See Free Traits Theory & Free Traits Agreements).
On raising a quiet kid :
As a parent, you must understand that love, support and patience are important for quiet kids, too. Learn to value their sensitive ways. Encourage them to speak up, to socialize, but don't rush them. Don't try to force them to turn into extroverts. It will not work, and you will get them frustrated. Encourage them to collaborate, but keep in mind that too much collaboration kills creativity. Work with them on their reaction to novelty. 'Remember that introverts react not only to new people but also to unknown places and events. Be comprehensive, be supportive, and provide them with tools for living in a world that can't always hear them.
Here is a list of 10 famous introverts. I hope that if you thought introversion was a handicap, it will make you see it in a whole new light and understand that you don't necessarily need to be louder to achieve great things :
Albert Einstein
Bill Gates
Rosa Parks
Eleanor Roosevelt
Elon Musk
Mickael Jordan
Warren Buffet
Mahamat Gandhi
Mother Teresa
Mark Zuckerberg.
Sources:
«Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking»
Do you consider yourself most an introvert or an extrovert? If you're not sure about your personality type, you can take this Myers Briggs Type Indicator here. Comment your type below! I'm curious to know :)
If you're an extrovert well, I hope that this post has given you a better understanding of what it is to be an introvert and that this will help you see them in the right light. For my introvert fellows, I hope you to always be proud of who you are. Learn to embrace your true self, learn to embrace your quiet power! And don't ever think of introversion as something that needs to be cured. You're normal, you're beautiful and deserve to be loved and appreciated, just the way you are. May God bless you, take care.
PS: For those who want to discover more, I strongly encourage you to purchase the book here.
Commentaires