I first learned about Alison Armstrong while listening to a podcast on men and commitment. After conducting further research, I found that she has an impressive selection of books, one of which we will be reviewing today: «The Amazing Development of Men.» Initially, I was reluctant to purchase it due to the price relative to the size of the book, but I decided to buy it anyway with the option of requesting a refund if necessary. However, after reading it, I can confidently say that it is well worth the price. I have gained valuable insights from the book that I am excited to share with you. Thank you for joining me!
The author has identified 4 stages of development in a man's life which are:
The Knight stage - The Prince stage - The King stage and the Elder stage.
Paiges: The Knight-wanna-be:
Paige's stage last from birth to puberty. Young boys are known for their desire for conquest, adventure, and challenge, while Paiges are not fond of being given instructions on how to act. To a Paige, and to all men in general, being told to "behave" feels like suppressing their true selves. Paiges have a strong urge to be a hero, to make a difference, and to provide for others. They do not require constant assistance or protection. Allow your Paige to be 'your' hero by allowing them to help you.
The (fun-loving) Knight:
Knight stage usually last from a man's puberty to his late 20s ~ early 30s. Knights can be identified by their strong desire for adventure, challenge, conquest, and enjoyment. The emphasis on "FUN" is intentional, as knights tend to live in the present moment, focusing on the here and now. Their romantic relationships revolve around how much their partner can contribute to the fun. Knights seek a playmate rather than just a partner.
That's why, unless it is in their culture, knights who commit are often rare. Others will say they are just NOT READY. And sometimes we (women) make the mistake of not taking men's at their words. We think we can change their mind. «If he loves me, he will commit.» Wrong!
“There is nothing is a woman, and nothing about what a man feels for, adores, or loves her that makes him feel ready.”
When a man says: I'm not ready, what he means is that he hasn't got everything he needs to commit to something new. Readiness has nothing to do with women. And the only thing you can do to help your man navigating through the Knight stage is to ask him about his projects and for what he aspire in life, and let him the time to think about it.
The (sturdy) Prince:
The Knight then leave the room for the Prince. It usually starts in a man's late 20s or early 30s and can last 10~12 years. Princes are characterized by their intense compulsion to build.
The early prince: The early Prince stage is the stage where a man start wonder about which part of the world is going to be his? Where is he gonna stack out of his territory? Early princes often believe that you build a kingdom with a partner'. That's why once they have found their answers, they will start looking for a partner to have their back.
The middle prince: Middle princes usually work long hours and no matter how they love you, this can't affect the drive of building his kingdom. This is the stage where men's much need for support, trust and nurture. If you date a middle prince, it can be hard sometimes cos you might feel left out. But try thinking of a long view as they usually do and appreciate the time you have with them instead of complaining about him not being present all the time.
The late prince: The late prince stage is the final stage before a man turns to a new stage of his life. Even though they will still be very busy, late princes may have more time to give to the people they love and even start looking for a Queen if she's not already there. Here's the difference between early prince and late princes. Cos for them, you first build the castle, then you find the Queen.
While the Knight stage is the unique occasion to play, the Prince stage is the unique stage to build with someone. It's also the stage where men need the most to be nurtured and supported.
Through the tunnel:
“The further you go into it, the less certain you are about yourself.”
The tunnel (often called midlife crisis) appears during the transition from Late Prince to King. A man in the tunnel will start questioning himself, Who am I? Who am I going to/not to be? What really matters to me? Is it the life I want to live? He is distant and this can be a hard time for the surrounding people. Especially for his wife (if he is married.) But this phase can be smoother if she adapts the way she listens and interacts with her man. Don't panic if he shares his wonderings with you. Listen to him, don't make fun of him nor judge him. With adequate support, the tunnel can last even less than 6 months.
The (generous) King:
+ Note that a man can emerge from the tunnel and not like what he is becoming. So, he will start over and go back to the Middle Prince stage to redefine his life choices. When they're all at peace with whom they are and where they're going, princes emerged from the tunnel with a crystalized sense of self and an abundance of opinions.
“If you want to know what a woman is going to do, ask her about what she feels about it. If you want to know what a man is going to do, ask him what is his opinion about it.”
Kings LOVE providing. They usually have the most capacity, desire, resources, attention and often time to do it. Kings like being 'The Man' and like being shown admiration and appreciation. Being with a King muscle your ability to receive. But note that he will only provide when he is interested in doing so ~ when he found resonance with whom he is. They also have reached the complete development of male character (team, loyalty, honor, etc.)
The (wise) Elder:
If a man is lucky to live enough, he will reach the Elder stage, which is the final development stage of all men's life. Elder are characterized by their wisdom and their humility. They usually take very little credit for what they have become and where they are in life. Elder stage is often the moment were all ambitions disappear. But no matters which stage a man is, he will always have a flair of adventure in him.
Note that there is no WRONG stage. And don't take these tips as a catalogue and put men into boxes. When looking for a long-term relationship, it can be tempting to look directly for Kings since they usually have a higher capacity to comfort women. But don't forget that:
“Partners are MEN, and men are HUMAN BEING. And the right human being for you may not necessarily be in the most desire stage for you.”
Be ready and patient enough to wait and watch the process.
I hope this post helped you have a better understanding of men if you're a woman and a better understanding of yourself, if you're a man. As the author said: “The more we understand each other, the better partner we can be.” Stay tuned, for a next post, where we will put the attention on Understanding Women. Meanwhile, you can visit the website of Alison Armstrong and/or purchase her books, here. Thank you for reading. May God bless you, take care!
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