Feb 1511 min read

The Best Thing I Never Had...

“There was a time

I thought that you did everything right

No lies, no wrong

Boy, I must've been out of my mind

So when I think of the time that I almost loved you

You showed your a** and I, I saw the real you

Thank God, you blew it

I thank God, I dodged the bullet

I'm so over you

So, baby, good lookin' out

I wanted you bad

I'm so through with that

'Cause honestly, you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)

You turned out to be the (best thing I never had)

And I'm gon' always be the (best thing you never had)...”

Best Thing I Never Had - Beyonce.

A few days ago, I came across a video of Chloe X Halle covering a famous Beyoncé song called 'Best Thing I Never Had'. While browsing the comments section, I noticed that many individuals were discussing how the song resonated with them, and some even shared their personal stories of escaping toxic or abusive relationships. This piqued my curiosity about the song's lyrics, and upon discovering their meaning, I realized why it had such an impact. The song was released in 2012, a time when my English proficiency was still quite basic, so I didn't fully comprehend its meaning. From the visuals, I merely gathered that it was a love and marriage-themed song. However, that assumption proved incorrect. After delving into the lyrics and their interpretation, I found myself playing the song repeatedly throughout the night. This led me to consider using it as inspiration for an article, especially since we are currently in the week of love. However, I don't intend to discuss what is love or the origins of Valentine's Day, as those topics have already been covered. Instead, I want to explore the concept of what love is not, specifically focusing on abusive relationships involving narcissists. Thank you for joining me, and I hope you enjoy reading this article.

When self-love kills: the story of Narcissus.

“The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said: 'I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.' ” | Paulo Coelho — The Alchemist.

Narcissus is a figure from Greek mythology who was born in Thespiae in Boeotia. He was the son of Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. His mother was warned one day by the seer Teiresias that her son would live a long life as long as 'he never knows himself.' As he reached his teenage years, the handsome youth never found anyone that could pull his heartstrings, indeed, he left in his wake a long trail of distressed and broken-hearted maidens. Then, one day, he chanced to see his own reflection in a lake and, thus, discovered his incredible beauty, and fell in love with himself. Naturally, this one-way relationship went nowhere, and Narcissus, unable to draw himself away from his reflection, pined away in despair until he finally drowned in the lake.

This sad story is a great example of how excessive self-love and self-confidence can sometimes be more harmful than good to the person and his/her surroundings. Unfortunately, this story does not belong totally to the past. Nowadays 'Narcissus' indeed exist. The only difference resides in the amount of harm they cause to others.

The narcissistic personality disorder.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder is classified in the dimensional model of Personality Disorders. Like in the story of Narcissus, people who suffer from NPD not only have a high sense of self, but they also need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others, They act as if they are better than everyone else but behind this mask of extreme confidence, hide insecure people who doubt their self-worth. Much of the time, a narcissist's behavior isn't driven by self-love but rather by self-hatred.

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” ― Brené Brown

What causes NPD?

As with many personality disorders, the exact cause of NPD is unknown. In some cases, it can be linked to genetics or biology — as the child inherits characteristics, such as certain personality traits from his/her parents. Studies suggest that common personality traits linked to NPD—like entitlement and grandiosity—can be inherited. Parents with NPD won’t definitely pass these traits on to their children, but their narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis could increase the risk of children developing it. Mostly what leads to NPD is parenting and environment. As Dr. Meaghan Rice said :

“Nobody really knows what causes NPD, but it’s said to be a combination of both nature and nurture. The nature aspect says that someone is born with a predisposition to need more validation, reinforcement, and support. But, when combined with an environment that either provides excessive praise or trauma and/or abuse, the outcome can be quite devastating.”

How to identify an NPD.

Per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, NPD includes:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
Believes that they are 'special' and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations).
Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

Narcissistic traits exist in both genders only it is more frequent among men than women. A study by J Clin Psychiatry published in the National Library of Medicine, collected data from 34,653 adults who participated in face-to-face interviews. Narcissist statistics results showed that the prevalence of lifetime NPD was 6.2%. The rates show that NPD characteristics were 7.7% more prevalent in men. Out of the total number of participants, 4.8% of women showed NPD traits and characteristics.

During this study, researchers analyzed what kind of narcissistic personality traits and characteristics are more prevalent in men and women. Regarding :

Lack of empathy: Men scored 83.1% higher than women who scored 72.3%.
Sense of entitlement: Men scored higher at 82.6% whereas women scored 77.1%.
Exploitation: Men scored higher with a score of 65.5%, while women scored 55.7%.

Envy: Women scored 78.4% while men scored 72.6%.
Arrogance: Women scored higher at 42.0% while men scored at 35.7%.

The narcissist in a relationship.

Just as NPD causes problems in many areas of life, such as work, school, or financial matters. NDP can often get dramatic when it comes to relationships, especially romantic relationships. We talk about the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle which is divided into 4 stages: Idealization, Devaluation, Repetition, and Discard. Let's have a close look at each stage and what it implies:

— Stage 1: I’d die for you...

“If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is.”

In this stage, the narcissist will do what we call love bombing. Love bombing is the practice of showing a person excessive affection and attention as a way of manipulating them in a relationship. Love bombing typically takes the form of showering a person with a combination of seemingly genuine expressions of love or attention, such as excessive praise, gifts, and grand gestures. In love bombing, this behavior goes beyond the heightened level of attention that can be common at the beginning of relationships.

Narcissists are not dumb, nor are they really in love with you. They will do it purposely to socially isolate and control you by making you emotionally and socially dependent on them. After they gain a certain level of control, they often become distant and begin to engage in other forms of emotional abuse, such as gaslighting.

— Stage 2: This is how you treat me after everything I've done for you?

In this stage, the narcissist will start dropping subtle hints that you've done something wrong, that you’ve forgotten something important, or that you've hurt their feelings. You'll start to feel insecure. This is called gaslighting. Narcissistic gaslighting refers to a form of gaslighting exhibited by individuals with narcissistic personality traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It involves distorting, altering, or denying reality in order to make someone doubt their own perception, memory, or sanity. During this phase, they may become critical, dismissive, and emotionally abusive. Because of cognitive dissonance, which means that your brain struggles to hold two opposite views of the same person, you will likely minimize and forget the abuse as it starts. Your first impression of the narcissistic is that they were this fantastic person, so when you get to see the horror and the abuse, your brain can't accept the two opposite characters so you ignore the abuse and even forget it at times.

💡(If you have time I suggest you watch this 20-minute film about gaslighting)

— Stage 3: You are not the right person for me.

A narcissist will start discarding you because you ceased to feed their irrational, perfect self-image. Narcissists are not always drawn towards 'vulnerable' people they can easily manipulate. Most of them are attracted to real confident, strong, emotionally stable, and powerful people, people who represent all they desire, all they are not. But in the long run, when it starts shaking their perfect self-image and or when they realize they can't control you, they will start to see you as a threat. Most often, they will try to get rid of you, pretending you are the evilest person they have ever met, pretending you are not right for them. This stage is so far the hardest one because the narcissist will leave you in complete shock and worst, they will ensure that it is as painful as possible whether it is by blocking you completely, or by quickly getting into a new relationship and making sure you see how well they seem to be without you in their life.

“The people who hate the light in others, do so because they are afraid of their own darkness.” — Mouniirah.

— Stage 4: I was so crazy to let you go.

This stage is also called hoovering. Hoovering is a manipulation strategy narcissists use to keep their victims in or suck them back into a toxic relationship. Narcissists use this type of emotional abuse when they sense that their victim is seeking to pull out of the narcissistic abuse cycle. In this phase, the narcissist might attempt to come back into your life by using tactics like apologizing, promising change, or rekindling the idealization phase to regain control over you. 9 signs of hoovering include love bombing, dramatic declarations, making accusations, threatening to harm themselves, random calls or texts out of the blue, spreading fake gossip, making big promises, apologizing and telling you they’ve changed, creating fake emergencies. If they succeed, the cycle repeats itself, with the narcissist oscillating between idealization and devaluation, keeping you emotionally off balance and dependent on them.

How to break up the cycle.

Before we look at ways to break up the cycle of narcissistic abuse, we first need to understand why people fall for narcissists in the first place despite the countless red flags and warning signs. Here are some of the reasons you might feel attracted to them:

They are entertaining: Narcissists can exude confidence, charisma, and charm, which can appeal to many people. They have a unique ability to entertain others, as it helps them satisfy their grandiose cognitions. This makes them an attractive choice for those seeking constant stimuli from a partner.
You have low self-esteem or self-compassion, a lack of self-confidence, and skewed knowledge of what a healthy relationship looks like, due to a lack of healthy role models.
You have codependent tendencies: People with narcissistic tendencies will be able to identify partners who will allow them to be dominant, behave inappropriately, and be the center of attention. If you can adore a narcissist while completely ignoring your own needs, they’ll see you as their ideal partner.
You will not like this one but, you might be attracted to them because... You have similar traits. An unsettling truth for people with a history of being attracted to narcissists is the possibility that you may be attracted to a version of yourself. A study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that it is normal for couples to share traits with their romantic partner.

The first step to breaking free from the cycle is to recognize that you are in one. This can be difficult, as the narcissist will have gaslighted you into thinking that it is all your fault. However, once you realize what is happening, you can begin to take steps to change the dynamic of the relationship if you still want to be with the person.

Give yourself and your relationship time,
Be clear about your boundaries: Know your boundaries and how you expect to be treated before you enter a new relationship. Be ready to set limits or walk away if someone develops a pattern of mistreating you.
Find your support system: The narcissist may try to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones. Try not to let it happen. When you start to wonder what's real, they can help you figure it out.
Insist on immediate action, beware of promises: Many people with narcissistic personalities are good at making promises. They may promise to do what you want and not to do that thing you hate or promise to generally do better.
Understand that a narcissistic person may need professional help: People with NPD have other disorders, such as substance use disorder or other mental health disorders. Having another disorder may be what prompts someone to seek help.

💡— Thankfully people who suffer from NPD can recover from it but changing a learned behavior takes time and effort. Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy. It can include medication if it's too severe or if the trouble is associated with another personality disorder such as anxiety or depression. If the narcissist is willing to change and their therapist can help them bridge the gap between their current and desired behaviors, there is hope for recovery. For that, the first and I guess the hardest step for them will be to acknowledge that they have a problem and that their behavior is affecting their life and relationships. However, the journey won't be easy and most of the people suffering from NPD never change. You might learn this at your cost. Staying with an NPD by hook or by crook can lead to domestic abuse, depression, and in the worst cases, femicide or suicide.

If you feel it's too much for you, move on. Acknowledge the wrong that has been done to you, and normalize grieving. Work on yourself and if you need help, don't be afraid to reach for support.

“It's important to realize that we can miss something, but still don't want it back.” — Paulo Coelho.

For me, even if narcissists might be able to change, I believe that it is not the duty of their partner to bend over backward for that. Do what you can if you want to, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable for you to put up with abuse in any way, shape or form. Instead of attempting to “fix” a person with NPD, focus on your own behaviors and well-being and leave the rest to professionals because as they say in Côte d'Ivoire.