“How do we embrace the reality of our lives, deny nothing, but transcend the pain and suffering that is inescapable? And even when our lives are good, how do we live in joy when so many others are suffering: when crushing poverty robs people of their future, when violence and terror fill our streets, and when ecological devastation endangers the very possibility of life our on planet?”
How can we be happy, in a world full of suffering? Living in a country facing terrorism and so many challenges, how can I feel happy when such things happen near me, where there are so many bad things happening around the world? And if these questions seem familiar to you too, I think know how you might feel about them, powerless. But thanks to what I read, I am also here to tell you that it ain't easy, but it is possible. «The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World» is a collaborative work by Douglas Abrams, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and the Dalai Lama. The book documents a week-long meeting between Archbishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama, where they engaged in conversations and reflections on the nature of joy, thus helping people all over the world to find lasting happiness in an ever-changing and often aching world. Today, let's see together how we can find, live, and spread joy around us, and in the process make the world a better place.
We are fragile creatures.
“Discovering more joy does not, I'm sorry to say, save us from the inevitability of hardship and heartbreak. In fact, we may cry more easily, too. Peraphs we are just more alive. Yet as we discover more joy, we can face suffering in a way that ennobles rather than embitters. We have hardship without becoming hard. We have heartbreak without being broken.”
We are fragile creatures. As our electrocardiogram shows, to live means to go through life's ups and downs. And a life without them is simply not a life. We are fragile because we are subject to illness, to death. Because our emotions sometimes rule our behavior. We are not invincible, we are simply human. As Ryan Holiday says in his book: “Discipline is Destiny”, and as hard as it can seem to believe, we all are in the same boat. We all suffer, we all struggle, and we all have our challenges to face. No one is immune to this. Yet, some of us manage to bear it better than others. Some of us seem to be the happiest people on Earth, even when they are not the healthiest, the wealthiest, the most beautiful, the most talented, the most gifted. How? Because those people understood the nature of true joy.
The nature of true joy:
“The ultimate source of hapiness is within us. Not money, not power, not status. The suffering from a natural disaster we cannot control, but the suffering from our daily disasters we can.”
To understand the nature of true joy, we need to understand the difference between joy and happiness. I was talking about it with the 3rd guess of #iiaskyou. While joy and happiness can be confused, some differences lie between them. What is joy? And how does it differ from happiness? Well, the first difference is that happiness is considered an emotion, and joy is mostly seen as a state of mind. Happiness is therefore ruled by external factors while joy is mostly an inner feeling. Think about how many things are out of our control: the weather, other people's feelings, the traffic, time, and death. Because we can't always control the external factors in our lives, we can't control our happiness. That's what makes joy more stable than happiness.
As Paul Ekman has detailed, common enjoyment triggers are enjoyment derived through one of the five senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, sound), witnessing or participating in acts of human goodness, kindness, and compassion, relieving suffering in yourself and/or in others, experiencing or witnessing something humorous, personal achievement or witnessing the achievements of a loved one, experiencing something beautiful, surprising or amazing, feeling connected (i.e., to yourself, other people, places, animals, nature, a cause, spirit or religion).
The obstacles to Joy.
— Fear, stress, and anxiety: Throughout history, fear and stress are feelings that have helped us survive. Fear is not intrinsically a bad feeling. The problem arises when fear is exaggerated or when it is triggered by something unworthy. Everybody is afraid, even the boldest, and the brave man is not the one who is not afraid of something because we all are, but the one who acts despite it. Regarding stress and anxiety, the Dalai Lama believes that they come from too much expectation and too much ambition. Then when we don't fulfill that expectation or ambition, we experience frustration. His Holiness urges us to become more realistic so we can come to some sense of inner peace now, rather than always chasing after our expectations and ambition for the next.
— Frustration and anger: The Dalai Lama says: “Where there is fear, frustration will come. Frustration will bring anger. Fear and anger are very close. Fear and anger are two poles of our natural response, as we prepare to flee (fear) or to fight (anger).” “When you set goals for yourself, and you encounter obstacles, you will naturally feel frustrated, or when you're trying to do your best and those with whom you are working, aren't as cooperative as you had hoped, or at home with your family when something you do is misconstrued, this inevitably leads to frustration and anger, when people impugn your intentions, and you know that you have noble intentions, etc.” the Archbishop said.
“There are going to be frustrations in life. The question is not: How do I escape? It is: How can I use this as something positive?”
— Sadness and grief: Sadness is seemingly the most direct challenge to joy, but as the Archbishop argued strongly, it often leads us most directly to empathy and compassion and to recognize our need for one another. Mild sadness as studies show has some benefits. It improves attention to external details, reduces judgmental bias, increases memory and perseverance, and promotes generosity. While depression certainly collapses our circle of concern inward, the periodic feeling of sadness might widen it.
Talking about grief, let's look at the ancient Buddha story of Kisagotami,
The psychologist Gordon Wheeler explains that grief is a reminder of the depth of our love. Without love, there is no grief. Sadness and grief are natural responses to loss. but if your focus remains on the loved one you have just lost, the experience is less likely to lead to despair. In contrast, if your focus while grieving remains mostly on yourself —What am I going to do now? How can I cope? — then there is a greater danger of going down the path of despair and depression.
— Despair: Yes, there are many things that can depress us, but there are also many things that are fantastic about the world. We've always got to recognize that despite the aberrations, the fundamental thing about humanity, about humankind, about people, is that they are good, they were made good and they really want to be good. Hope is an antidote to despair. Yet hope requires faith, even if that faith is in nothing more than human nature or the very persistence of life to find a way. Despair turns us inward. Hope sends us into the arms of others.
“If something can be done about the situation, what need is there for dejection? And if nothing can be done about it, what use is there for being dejected.”
— Loneliness: Loneliness is an emotional state that arises from not having the desired sufficient meaningful connections with others – those people you could rely on in time of need. Loneliness is not related to how many friends or relationships you have, or whether you are alone or amongst people. “You can spend three years, says the Dalai Lama, three months and three days in a cave and not be lonely, but you can be lonely in the middle of a crowd.” While we might have hundreds of Facebook friends, our true, close friends are decreasing. We can feel joy when we are alone, not when we are lonely.
Humans are social animals. One individual no matter how powerful, or clever, cannot survive without other human beings. Unfortunately, in our world, we tend to be blind to our connection until times of great disaster. We are made for connections and is it only through a connection that we even as individuals can realize our full potential. There is a word for that: Ubuntu.
“I cannot be fully me if you are not fully who are destined to be. I am because we are.” — Nobantu Mpotulo.
— Envy: “Comparison is the thief of joy,” said Theodore Roosevelt. There will always be some people who have more than we do, or who are more successful or talented, smarter or better-looking. Envy does not leave room for joy. Buddhism sees envy as so corrosive that it compares it to a venomous snake that poisons us. It urges us to practice the Mudita, which is often translated as “sympathetic joy” and described as the antidote to envy. Mudita recognizes that life is not a zero-sum game, that there is not just one piece of cake in which someone else's taking more means we get less. Mudita sees joy as limitless. Unfortunately, we live in a being-seen society that has accentuated what we call the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). How can you find joy, if you're never satisfied with what you have? We usually say that not everything that shines is made of gold, but even if what you see is gold, do you really need to have it? Most of the time, the answer is no, and while you're busy envying someone else life and possessions, you are missing everything that has been offered to you.
— Suffering and Adversity: The path to joy, like with sadness did not lead away from suffering and adversity but through it. Nothing beautiful comes without some suffering.
Suffering can either embitter us or ennoble us and that difference lies in whether we can find meaning in our suffering. Without meaning, we can easily become embittered. But when we can find a shred of meaning or redemption in our suffering, it can ennoble us. Yes, we often feel that suffering will engulf us, or that the suffering will never end, but if we can realize that this, too shall pass. As Shantideva observed, there are some virtues in suffering. Because of the shock suffering causes us, our arrogances fall apart. Suffering also gives rise to compassion because of our experience of suffering, we avoid actions that will bring suffering to others and the depth of our suffering can also result in the height of our joy.
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” — Haruki Murakami.
— Illness and fear of death: Illness and especially death are things that fall out of our control. “Death is a fact of life. We are all going to die.” Death is part of life. There's is a beginning and there's an end. So once we accept that it is normal and that sooner or later it will come, our attitude changes. In Five Meditations on Death, Francois Cheng reminds us of the words of Rainer Maria Rilke:
“Death is our friend precisely because it brings us into absolute and passionate presence with all that is here, that is natural, that is love… Life always says yes and no simultaneously. Death (I implore you to believe) is the true Yea-sayer. It stands before eternity and says only: Yes.”
Death is not something to be feared. It reminds us that we are guests here on this planet, visitors who have come for a short time, so we need to use our days wisely, to make our world a little better for everyone. And since there's nothing we can do to overcome this fact, then there is no need for fear, sadness, or anger.
The Eight Pillars of Joy.
— Perspective: I recently took part in a conference about the Chinese government scholarship. During my speech, I couldn't find another word to describe what is like to study for a Chinese-taught Bachelor's degree, better than: Challenging. Because it is Challenging. Not only to leave your country, and your loved one but to settle in a completely different country, taking your classes in a completely different language. Then one person after me says that he doesn't see it as a challenge but as an opportunity. I was like: He can't be serious? But looking from a different angle, I don't deny the rudess of those past years I have spent in China, but I also see all the good things that happened to me, all the opportunities I had back then thanks to the fact that I was just there, and all the opportunities that keep coming to me.
“One's perspective shape one's reality.”
His words somehow changed my perspective and helped me let go of the anger I felt. If he passes by there, thank you. If I had to choose again, I surely wouldn't make the same choice but now that it can't be undone, why will I bother myself with all those negative feelings? So, my beloved readers, take a break and question your sadness, question your anger, question your frustration, question your stress: What if you took another angle to look at things that happened to you?
— Humility: Humility is essential to a life of joy. None of us are immune to pride and ego but true arrogance comes from insecurity. Humility is not to be confused with timidity. It's the recognition that our gifts are from 'God' says the Archbishop, and this lets you sit relatively loosely to those gifts. Humility allows us to celebrate the gifts of others without denying or shrinking our own.
“When we meet anyone, first and foremost we must remember that they too, have the same desire to have a happy day, a happy month, a happy life. And all have the right to achieve it.”
— Humor: Laughter is strong medicine. It draws people together in ways that trigger healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hope, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert. It also helps you release anger and forgive sooner.
“People who are always laughing have a sense of abandon and ease. They are less likely to have a heart attack than those people who are really serious and who have difficulty connecting with other people. Those serious people are in real danger.”
As Elbert Hubbard said: “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
— Acceptance: We cannot succeed by denying what exists. The acceptance of reality is the only place from which change can begin. Remember: “There are going to be frustrations in life. The question is not: How do you escape? It is: How can you use this as something positive?” The Dalai Lama told us that stress and anxiety come from our expectations of how life should be.
“My formula for human greatness is Amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not in the future, not in the past, not for all eternity. Not only to endure what is necessary, still less to conceal it — all idealism is falseness in the face of necessity— , but to love it...” — Friedrich Nietzsche.
Acceptance allows us to move into the fullness of joy. It allows us to engage with life on its own terms rather than rail against the fact that life is not as we would wish. Acceptance is not passive, it is powerful and it leads us to forgiveness. Because when we accept the present, we can forgive and release the desire for a different past.
— Forgiveness: “Forgiveness, as the Archbishop said, is the only way to heal ourselves and to be free from the past. Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us. When we forgive, we take back control of our own fate and our own feelings. We become our own liberator.” Forgiveness the Dalai Lama continued does not mean we forget. You should remember the negative things but because there is a possibility of developing hatred, we must not allow ourselves to be led in that direction—we choose forgiveness. You can even forgive people who harmed you intentionally, those who are committing negative actions and harmful acts that create a lot of pain to others, and develop compassion for them because they are creating the conditions for their own future suffering. You forgive, not for others but for yourself. Because unforgiveness leads to ongoing feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, and hatred that can be extremely destructive to our mental and physical health. Remember to include yourself in this forgiveness process. You are not perfect, you are human. Like the people who hurt you, you might have taken actions that resulted in hurting yourself. Forgive yourself too.
— Gratitude: If you think gratitude is only for the fortunate, remember that someone out there didn't wake up today, that someone out there is between life and death, that someone out there doesn't have a home, does not know if they will eat today or that someone people don't have people they can rely on. So, before you start feeling miserable, think about all the privileges you have, starting with the privilege of being alive. Close your eyes and say in a row: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Where people see a half-empty cup, you should see it as half-full. Even when facing adversity, you can express gratitude because someday you will look back and understand why you have been put in that situation:
“It is not happiness that make us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us grateful. Every moment is a gift.”
Gratitude connects us all. A grateful world is a world of joyful people. Grateful people are joyful people. A grateful world is a happy world and we recognize all that we have been given, it is our natural response to want to care for and give to others.
— Compassion: Compassion is a sense of concern that arises when we are confronted with another's suffering and feel motivated to see that suffering relieved. “Too much self-centered thinking is the source of suffering. A compassionate concern for others' wellbeing is the source of happiness.” the Dalai Lama said. He added: “Therefore if you want a happy life and fewer problems, you have to develop a serious concern for the well-being of others.” Compassion is one of the most difficult and courageous of all our motivations, but it is also the most healing and elevating.
“We have to take care of ourselves without selfishly taking care of ourselves. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we cannot survive. We need to do that. We should have wise selfishness rather than foolish selfishness.”
As described by the Dalai Lama, if we see a person who is being crushed by a rock, the goal is not to get under the rock and feel what they are feeling; it is to help remove the rock. I think that when you come across the suffering of the world, your goal is not to feel the same pain, because it will not help relieve it anyway. Your goal is to find a way to help. What can you do to help? Giving money? Giving your time? Giving advice? Or praying? That does not mean ignoring the pain of others, but it's about reducing negativity. Be happy, even if it's to show an example because we all need hope. We all need to see that there is something else to experience than pain.
— Generosity: Breakthrough guys! Money can buy happiness... If we spend it on other people. Our joy is enhanced when we make someone else happy. As Aristotle said: “Being kind to others is enlightened self-interest. While the receiver may be happy, the joy of the giver is even bigger.” Generosity is the best way of becoming more, more and more joyful. It is not only about the money we give. It is also about how we give our time, whatever positive we decide to share with the world. Finally, to answer our question: How do we find joy in a world full of suffering? The Dalai Lama says:
“Start where you are, and realize that you are not meant on your own to resolve all of these massive problems. Do what you can. Give the world your love, your service, your healing but you can also give it your joy. This too, is a great gift.”
I have to thank my sister Yasmine for this wonderful gift. This masterpiece helped me and keep help me navigate hardships and also helped me find joy in even the smallest things in life. Today, and at the dawn of 2024, I wanted to share the key principles of this book with you so that we all can enter the new year with a whole new perspective of what happiness is, most importantly that joy can be found just right at the center of our heart, and also because as true as “Hurt people hurt people.”, I believe that “Joyful people also make others joyful.” We can't give what we don't have. If we lack happiness, if we lack joy, how can we even expect to make the world a better place? Thank you for reading. Stay blessed. Take care.
Sources:
Commentaires